| Author | Message | ||
| alex stolis
Member Username: alex_stolis Post Number: 55 Registered: 05-2005 |
Remember when you told me about the sun how it doesn’t shake when it’s time to go down—there must be another explanation why it’s sinking so fast. The glow is not warm enough and the light’s too dim to cast a shadow. I may never understand us, so alike and so different in the dark. Night has a way that brings beginnings to an end, leaving us with conclusions that drop like leaves onto wet pavement. We’ll cling to them until the cold lifts the secret from our lips. It all comes back to me driving across the Canal Bridge. Outside everything is clear-- the sky, the way birds skim over the water, the truth that it’s always better to be friends than lovers. When we were still confidants you told me about a recurring dream. You would walk down to the Charles, watch rain burn holes in the river. You said it meant your confidence was breaking between the east and west coast and you refused to tell me which side had the sharpest pieces. Remember when you told me about the moon how it could be counted on to break my fall if I were still and quiet. You promised a kiss to cradle our last sin and told me I would think the moment was slow enough to last forever. | ||
| Christopher T George
Senior Member Username: chrisgeorge Post Number: 2952 Registered: 12-2004 |
Hi Alex I have commented on this on another forum but will give feedback here as well if I may. I appreciate this contemplative piece but it is, as noted, kind of on the prosey side, and I know you can do much better. I am impressed by the line, "watch rain burn holes in the river." That line and some of the other birds, water, etc. elements could be built upon to give you a stronger piece. The "Remember when..." construction (twice) and "It all comes back to me..." come across as if you are telling a story rather than writing a poem, so in all I think the whole could be tighter and more poetic. Good luck in rewriting this promising piece, Alex. Chris Editor, Desert Moon Review http://www.desertmoonreview.com/ Co-Editor, Loch Raven Review http://www.lochravenreview.com/ http://chrisgeorge.netpublish.net/ | ||
| Marianne walker
New member Username: marianne Post Number: 2 Registered: 11-2005 |
I think this piece is absolutely fantastic, i love the use of imagery particularly "rain burn holes in the river" its different, sharp and at the same time constant. well done. | ||
| Supafly
Advanced Member Username: supafly Post Number: 107 Registered: 11-2003 |
The first line is amazing, and the last is sweet. A lot of insight, but then I have the same criticisms as CTG. I really would be interested to hear why you chose this structure. | ||
| Michael MV
Senior Member Username: michaelv Post Number: 1039 Registered: 11-2003 |
Would like to add/note: I, too, admire this line: "watch rain burn holes in the river." ^^ reminds me of Bono of U2. Then my attempt at a haiku derivation: burning holes in the river --rain pellets Best Regards Michael (MV) | ||
| ~M~
Board Administrator Username: mjm Post Number: 5786 Registered: 11-1998 |
I bow in the presence of your line breaks, alex.  You are teaching me much. Some inlines for your consideration: Remember when you told me about the sun(,) how it doesn’t shake when it’s time to go down — there must be another explanation why it’s sinking so fast. The glow is not warm enough(;) [and] the light’s too dim to cast a shadow. I may never understand us, so alike and so different in the dark. Night has a way that brings beginnings (I would like to see a different word for "way" -- something more descriptive, not so generic) to an end, leav(es)[ing] us with conclusions that drop like leaves onto wet pavement. We’ll cling to them until the cold lifts the secret from our lips. It all comes back to me driving across the Canal Bridge. Outside everything is clear-- the sky, the way birds skim over the water, the truth that it’s always better to be friends than lovers. When we were still confidants you told me about a recurring dream. You would walk down to the Charles, watch rain burn holes in the river. You said it meant your confidence was breaking between [the] east and west coast and you refused to tell me which side had the sharpest pieces. Remember when you told me about the moon(,) how it could be counted on to break [my fall] (my fall) if I [were](was) still [and quiet]. You promised a kiss to cradle our last sin(;) [and] told me I would think the moment was slow enough to last forever. Hope these suggestions are of some use to you. It is an excellent piece as it is in the event you decide my recommendations don't work for you. | ||
| Laurie Byro
Advanced Member Username: lauriette Post Number: 1378 Registered: 11-2003 |
Alex this one makes up for much good work bravo hurrah This is what we Want, Lil Dash |
